Puppy Lessons

Opinions are like ass holes- every one has one. I have found this to be incredibly true in raising my canine child. Use positive reinforcement, use negative reinforcement, choke collar, no choke collar, gentle leader, regular leash, this type of food, more freedom, less freedom, crate them, let them run wild, it goes on for days. I can't wait to have children and hear even more opinions I don't value.

Fiance and I rescued Stella about two months ago. She is incredibly cute, and definitely a 5 month old hyper puppy. We are told she is a golden retriever/chocolate lab mix, but who can be sure in adopting. I was told today she looks like an aussie. Irrelevant I suppose. In the time we've had this little girl, I've learned a lot. I'm not trying to tell you how to raise yours because I really hate that shit. Here is just a recording of what I've learned so far:

1. If it fits, it ships is the saying. I'd say if it fits, she's swallowing it. The things this nugget will put in her mouth is ridiculous. Stella recently suffered from putting something wrong in her mouth- she ended up with diarrhea for almost a week. If you don't have a vet plan, good luck with those bills.
2. Take it, leave it, and drop it are the greatest commands to teach a dog. Putting my fingers in her mouth quickly got old, disgusting, and sometimes painful if she decided to bite down with those glorious razor puppy teeth. They say these commands can save your dog's life. Today it saved a lizard's life. Yes, Stella caught a lizard. I'm still shivering thinking about it. I immediately screamed and jumped. My fearless little girl was incredibly pleased with herself. I definitely wasn't sticking my hand any where in this situation. For some reason, my proud pup actually listened when I shrieked "DROP IT!" You're welcome lizard. Stay off the sidewalk in the future or scurry away sooner pal.
3.  While planning my wedding, I have received plenty of unsolicited marriage advice. Here are the only good ones:
a) Be a lady, except in the bedroom. Act like a prostitute- my grandmother
b) Get a great tax professional.- most every person I've met
c) Bite the bullet. Pay for a maid to come twice a month.- every working mom
Here's my advice: get a great trainer for your dog.
4. I have a little more patience than I thought. Zach has a little less than I thought.
5. There are dogs who don't get along with other dogs. I normally just call those "cats" but whatever. You would think if that is the case, people wouldn't bring these dogs out. You would be wrong because people are ridiculously unintelligent. I have been told on walks, in PetSmart, and at a dog park to "keep your puppy away. My dog doesn't get along with other dogs." If you know me, I'm not much for filters and would really like to tell these people to go off themselves. Why are you bringing a dog to a place with other dogs you clown? I decide to not say anything because I'm afraid these dogs might also be trained to eat small children, which I closely resemble.
Note: "Dogs might have been in abusive situations so they don't trust other dogs" will be the argument to this. While that is absolutely heart breaking, you as an owner shouldn't force them to be in social situations  and try to tell other dogs to stay away as if it's their fault. You stay away. Siberia is looking for residents.
6. There are people who have cats and walk them on leashes. These people need to admit they want a dog.
7. Smaller dogs in general are less behaved. I don't know if owners think because they can manhandle their little creature they never need to train it or what. These little shits are always so loud, so jumpy, so bitey, so obnoxious. If bigger dogs acted like small dogs act, they would be put down. Train your small dog. They tend to be the anti social "my dog doesn't get along with other dogs" people as well. Two chihuahuas wanted to eat Stella on our walk tonight. Also, if you are a small dog person, feel free to just admit you are really a cat person. Get a cat. And if you're a chihuahua person, you're really just a rodent person. Look into hamsters or rats.
8. I could never have a boy dog. Every time they pee I get the heebie jeebies.
9. I'm not ready for a human child.

I'm sure this dog will have plenty more lessons for me, but for today, I'm sure this is plenty.

Planning Dates

There are times in life when I wish I was a boy. Taking someone on a date is one of those times. Also when I have to use the restroom and the girls line is ridiculously long. Even as a female, I am not exactly sure what takes women so long in the restroom.

So dates. Here are the things I got invited to by men who are courting me. (now how classy did I just make a guy getting my number at a bar sound?)

Do you like sushi? I'd love to take you to get sushi this week.

What are you doing on blank date? I'd love to take you out for dinner.

Can I get your number? I'd love to take you out some time.

Some other variation of let's sit across a table from each other, ask the same questions we ask every other first date, and have that awkward moment where you see the other person ingesting food. Don't get me wrong, I'm big on knowing if you're a disgusting eater or not. It's a make or break moment for me.

But why must you take me to dinner? Or lunch? Or sushi? Coffee? Or whatever. Dates I would take someone on (which yes I could take a guy on a date, but not the first date. It's nice to take your boyfriend on a date, not some dude for date 1-4ish)

-Dave and Busters. food and gaming. hello fun.

-minor league baseball game. do they serve beer? i love beer. and corn dogs.

-bowling. okay clearly i like gaming adventures, which makes me think...

-putt putt. laser tag

-the medieval fair.

-which makes me think, medieval times

- a local show

-that wine and painting thing people are doing

-a museum

-find some sort of weird local tour

-or weird historic location you can do funny things at

-take me to 6 flags and ill have your children.

-the freaking ZOO

-the aquarium

-a body of water. to walk around. and if i could splash in it, id be really happy. this is cheap

-a wine tasting

-the driving range. yes, teach me to golf. heck do the same with the batting cages.

-take me to a dueling piano bar

-country bars. two stepping.

don't get me wrong. i love dinner. who doesnt love food. and i love cinematic adventures. but if you spiced it up on date two or three. and especially if you spiced it up on date one. let me tell you, the ladies would love it. now i know some of these things are pricey, but if someone took me on a really cool date like the above, i would totally turn around and do the same thing for them. did you know you could just google cool dates in dallas or things to do in dfw and get a great list of ideas? i know, it takes a minute out of your day instead of your regular restaurant gig, but oh well.

and if you're doing dinner, can we do something like

-dicks last resort

-rainforest cafe

-a place with live music

-medieval times

-something funny or unusual. not the cheesecake factory, which i do love but doesnt have the certain umph im looking for.

i realize not all females would like all of these things, but id say most would enjoy the majority of them. and if not, they suck, and you can take me on one of these awesome dates instead.

Toddlers and Tiaras

What magnificent parenting skills!

Today, toddlers and tiaras is in OKC. Fabulous!

At 6 years old, I thought I was really pretty if I was in my Winnie the Pooh overalls and mom let me wear cherry chapstick. What in the hell is wrong with these parents? Telling their daughter it is time to get pretty. Your baby girl does not 'get pretty'. You should think she is beautiful all of the freaking time. How much are you psychologically ruining your child by telling them they must dye their hair, wax their eyebrows, get tan, wear make up, do their nails if they want to win a beauty pageant?!

Let's be honest here. I was an unfortunate child. I developed so unbearably slow I have looked like a little boy the majority of my life. I wasn't allowed to wear make up for a long time. Because little girls didn't need make up. At the time, I thought my mother was surely straight from hell and put on earth to torment me. I had acne, braces, and glasses. I looked like I walked straight out a refugee camp or perhaps was related to ET. Home girl could have helped me out and let me put on some make up.

But now I think back to all of the girls I was super jealous of because their mommys let them pierce their belly buttons, and get fake nails, and wear pounds of make up, and go to the tanning beds, and wear provocative clothing. I thought they were so cool and I was so jealous. But thinking about those girls now, how many got in trouble with drugs and alcohol and sex and eating disorders and depression and whatever else? Of course they all didn't, but especially coming from the ever superficial city of Plano where everything can be bought on credit, what did these parents think they were setting their daughters up for? They were learning that being pretty and spending money unnecessarily, especially money you don't have, are the things that matter most in life. What an upbringing!

I'm not saying these poor children won't become something great in life, but what are their odds? How 'normal' will these little girls be? They are being raised in an environment of bitchy brats who believe being pretty and shaking your nonexistent 8 year old ass and tits will get you places in life. Now does that sound like the type of person who will find a cure for cancer or the type of person who will grow up with a horrible self esteem, who will turn to men and drugs to feel good and justify their existence. Hopefully, they will be just like their mommys and live vicariously through their own daughters and keep the cycle of insanity running strong in their family!

And part of me gets wanting to dress up your daughter like a doll. How about you just buy a doll and not ruin a human being by polluting their brain? And who the hell are these husbands and fathers who support this crap? Where in the world did your balls go? Did you wife cut them off on your wedding night? It's madness. Pure freaking madness. The money people spend on these ridiculous pageants...and the money they will spend laying on a couch someday or on a nice rehab facility...is it worth it? I sure hope not.

My daughter will be no toddler in a tiara. t-ball, cheerleading, basketball, girl scouts, and whatever other healthy things she wants to do are definitely a go. Hell home girl can play football or love pokemon for all I care. But I'll be damned if baby girl will be a diva with crazy bitchiness at age 4. Girl cannot be a bitch to her momma until she hits 14.

PS: speaking of Winnie the Pooh overalls, I personally cannot wait for the Winnie the Pooh movie this summer!

UPDATE: the judge even just said her eyes were drawn to one girl because of her sweetness, which isnt associated with pageants. thank you for proving my point diva!

For Teachers

My favorite teacher links

Pay teachers as babysitters

Ken Robinson is brilliant on the white board

Ken Robinson is Brilliant on Stage

The Blueberry Story

Weddings ruining marriage

Every little girl fantasizes about her wedding. Meeting Prince Charming. Living happily ever after. Shouldn't that be the dream?

Well, thanks to your friend, the media, that dream has drastically changed. There is a show about every single aspect of the wedding. We can pick out our wedding gowns, watch brides judge each other's weddings, find bridezilla. We see celebrities with rings that get bigger by the day. We can google wedding dresses, the perfect ring, dresses for the bridesmaids, the flower girl, the cake, the wedding colors, ceremony venue, reception venue, invitations, honeymoon spots...there is nothing you can't plan about your wedding while you are completely single

But how much time do we spend planning out the "happily ever after"? We want a groom and we want to be a bride. But do we really want to be a wife? What if we spent as much time fantasizing about our marriage as we did about our weddings? And not "I can't wait to be married to have shared assets." Or "I want a woman to do the chores around the house" or "I hope I find someone to make enough money so I can go to the country club all day" or "I can't wait to have regular sex" or "I'll be able to be a mommy". But really about our marriage and what we want out of a partner-not just how they will look in our wedding pictures.

Our wedding day has become so much bigger than our marriage. It is one day, and we are obsessed with it. But what about the rest of the days, when there is no dress, no photographer, no perfect pictures, no cake, no champagne, no DJ, no toasts, no presents? We worry more about rain on our wedding day than divorce in our marriage.

Everyone wants to be a bride, and even if you are saying you don't, you are lying. You want a day all about you looking and feeling fabulous, people giving you presents, having fun with all your family and friends. It is easy, regardless of how stressful we make planning perfection. Do you want a wedding or a marriage? If it's the former, plan a really big, extravagant, ridiculously expensive party. Wear white. Have a DJ. Or even a band. Dance with your father. Cut your cake. Dance the night away.

There are plenty of reasons thrown out as to why the divorce rates have increased. I'm not saying any of this is a direct cause or isn't a direct cause. But I'm sure the wedding build up doesn't help the chances for our marriages.

The 80/20 Rule

I recently was having a pity party with my chocolate covered pretzels and got sucked into a black film. As a scrawny ass white girl, black films aren’t really my style. And yet there I was, watching a movie called “Why Did I Get Married?” Just me and my chocolate covered pretzels. So this movie introduced me to a rule called the 80/20 rule and I rather like it.

The premise of the 80/20 rule is that we for some reason expect another person to give us 100% of what we need in life. This, however, is impossible. No one person is absolutely perfect and can fulfill and understand our needs, wants, and desires 100% of the time. And let’s be honest, that would be a really boring relationship. What would you argue over? (And yes, I love a good argument. I could never be with someone who didn’t fight for me and fight with me. I am wrong and flawed. Call me out on it you pansy.)

So here’s the deal. We should expect our partner to meet 80% of our needs. That’s a reasonable request. And here is where it relates to my previous post. We cheat because we hope that another person can fulfill the missing 20%. And then we will have our needs met 100%. The issue is the time spent with your 20% will ruin your relationship with the 80%. Even if the 80% doesn’t know, you will know that things have fallen below 80% and you’re still not truly at 100% fulfillment. Many times, we will leave our 80% for a new fling. At first it is fun and exciting until we realize they are only 20% and we gave up something 4 times greater. Or our 80% will leave us when they find out about our 20% fling. And sometimes, we lose both. And they both find someone else who fulfills 80% of their needs.

80/20 rule. Don’t jeopardize your 80 for 20.

Cheating

Oh, if you want to make people angry, support cheating. Let’s be honest, you have either cheated or been cheated on. And you just said what, no, she’s crazy. No boo bear, you are just that naïve then. You have been cheated on. But for your mental stability, we can say your “friend” has cheated or been cheated on. That’s a fair assessment, right? I have been trying to write this post for a while but lost any motivation or direction. So I’ll just share my thoughts on why we cheat, what I think is the dumbest part of cheating, who I would blame, and what we should do to stop it. Deal? Deal.

1. So, why do we cheat? Here are the reasons from my cheating friends: (and no, I never have cheated…which would mean I have been cheated on I suppose)

1. Personal opinion: Well read below my discussion of being animals who were not made to be monogamous, but we think it feels good to be in a relationship even though its unnatural

2. “I knew the relationship needed to end. So I did something horrible to force myself to leave”

3. “I love them but they suck in bed”

4. “Why not if you know you won’t get caught”

5. “I was drunk. He/she was hot. Need I say more?”

6. “To get revenge for them cheating on me”

7. “I wasn’t really over my ex”

8. “I’m just a really bad boyfriend/girlfriend”

Look none of these justify cheating and I know it. And just because I know many people that cheat doesn’t mean my friends are bad people. Your friends cheat too, they probably just don’t tell you.

2. The dumbest part of cheating: the person who gets cheated on blames the person who their partner cheated with, not their partner. Okay I’ll go ahead and say it, girlfriends who are cheated on blame the other girl, not their boyfriend. Females are emotional and not very logical. Logic would tell you to dump them, not forgive them and blame the other girl. Males don’t behave this way. That other girl did not cheat on you. Your boyfriend did. You should not be mad at her. She didn’t commit to you. She’s not betraying your trust, he is. And yet, we blame the girl like it is her fault and she is a slut. No, your boyfriend just likes playing in other girls secret garden. Blame him. Leave him. And whether or not you forgive him, do not blame her. Who is to say she even knew home boy had a girlfriend? So who should you blame?

3. You should blame your cheating partner. No one else. Okay well maybe there is someone else to blame. And here is where you start to hate me. You might be able to blame yourself. Yes, they cheated. They did something wrong. But sometimes, some people give their partner a reason to cheat on them. If I knew about it, I would honestly think that I was slacking in the relationship and if I had been a bomb ass girlfriend like I should be, he wouldn’t have a reason to cheat. But that’s just me. We can disagree.

4. How to stop cheating? Be single. I saw a couple break up in my apartment complex parking lot this morning. The girl was naturally a disaster and should not have been driving away. The guy shrugged his shoulders when I made eye contact with him. I replied “welcome to the good life.” He chuckled. I’d like to think I made light of his break up. Single people do not cheat. And they do not get cheated on.

Does once a cheater mean always a cheater? My answer is that once you cheat on a partner, you will probably cheat on that partner again but it is not an indicator of whether or not you will cheat on a new partner. Once a cheater always a cheater can apply to one relationship, but not necessarily the cheaters next relationship. It all depends on why they cheated.